Hope

Hey All! Sorry it's been a while since I have written here! But things are progressing, as expected.

I had a chiropractor's appointment today with a doctor who is known for helping with fertility. She seems hopeful that she can help me relax, etc. to help us conceive. Today we went through my history with the previous pregnancy, which is still just as hard as telling anyone else what has happened with our loss. She seems to think that there was nothing to do with my body or anything that caused the miscarriage, which is hopeful. She also thinks if we do some strengthening and some dietary changes, that I may find it easier to conceive. The downside... I have to give up drinking coffee (which I LOVE to do every morning as I start my day) and soft drinks (which is also sad for me). But in the long run, it is healthy for me to do these things, and will ultimately help us get to our goal of a family, so at this point, I will try ANYTHING! Herbal tea and water, here I come!

Anyways, continue to pray for us, that we will progress with our journey to a family. Pray for me with the caffeine withdrawls I am about to have too!

Forever Farewell to my Wake Up Tools! Coffee, you will be missed!

Beth

In Memorium

Our sweet little angel would have been welcomed into our family this Saturday, August 29th. In memory of baby K, I wanted to to recoginize his/her birthday.

Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to our angel. Happy Birthday to you.

"When my life is like a storm. Rising waters all I want is the shore. You say I'll be okay, and make it through the rain. You are my shelter from the storm. Everything rides on hope now. Everything rides on faith somehow. When the world has broken me down. Your love sets me free. You've become my hearts desire. I will sing your praises higher. Cause your love sets me free. Your love sets me free. Your love sets me free"-Addison Road

And through all this, I will still sing praises to my Lord and Savior. Because He is the only thing that is constant through this journey we call life (and yes, even to parenthood). Take care of our baby, Lord. And cradle him/her in your arms. Give him/her kisses tonight. I love you! Amen.

Peace

Well that didn't take too long did it?! I definitely have to say that I can feel the prayers all around me, especially these past few days. I have never had more of a peace than I have these past 48 hours, which is a HUGE blessing! My friend recently (or not so recently) ordered cds for me from a conference she attended at our church. It was a Hope Conference for women that I wasn't able to go to because I had work and a prior commitment. While she was there, she thought of me and my situation. It seemed like it took FOREVER to get those cds, but I truly feel that God had placed them in my hands at the time I was ready to hear it. You know, sometimes it takes you falling flat on your face to be ready to listen to God. There have been some recent events which I had felt that I had no more strength left, no more hope on our journey. I felt like maybe I needed to accept the fact that natural parenthood was not in our plan. But back to the cds. A speaker from Proberbs 31 ministries gave talks on questions that Christ had asked while he was on earth, and that we should ask ourselves. Through these talks, one session that struck me was when she spoke of her friend who had been a Christian woman in a Christian marriage. I will spare you the details of this marriage, but her husband had left her and left her family with financial trouble, etc. This woman's house was going to be foreclosed upon. So this woman rose up gathered her children, and they prayed in their home. She thanked God for the house He had prepared for her, and all the blessings He was going to bestow upon her. She believed without a doubt that God was going to take this situation and use it for His glory. A few days later, her neighbor said that her brother was called to service and his house was empty and she could live there till she got on her feet. WOW! God answers prayers in such a special way! Another story she told was that a lot of times we feel that God sees us on the street, suffering through a situation in our lives and just walks past us. We feel a lot of times like calling out and saying, "God, why do you keep walking past this situation in my life when you can fix this with a snap of your finger." God answers prayer and helps us out of our suffering, or predicaments not to what we always think the answer should be, but for the better of His kingdom. I began to think how this pertained to my struggle. I thought how amazing it seemed that maybe God would be using this situation for a bigger picture. I thought about the way I pray about situations in my life. My prayers definitely have changed in the last few years from the desire of a child, to prayer for His timing, and now to this. I pray for our child-to-be that God has planned for us. I pray that God has the perfect time in which that child will be brought into this world. I thank God for all the blessings He has given us and will give us by knowing that child, by already loving that child (even before it is spoken into existence). I thank God that He makes everything so perfect in His image and that our child will be a glimpse of God's character. I pray that God helps us and guides us to raise that child in a loving Christian home. What a sense of peace and love I feel when I know my God has a plan, and already knows what He is going to do with our lives, even when my human mind cannot even comprehend HIS bigger picture.

Love and Prayers,
Beth

Frustrations

So of course, if I want this blog to be honest, I have to post some honest feelings about our journey to parenthood. We have been waiting for so long for God to bless us, that we can't help but get frustrated along the road. It seems like everyone around you is pregnant when you are trying for some time! My friend and I like to call these "Target Moments" because it never seems to fail that these moments happen at Target. But then these "Target Moments" transport themselves all over the place. When you are more aware of pregnancy, it seems to follow you wherever you go! So badly, we want to be blessed and each month, you feel like you need to grieve when it doesn't happen. You start to wonder, what did I do to be punished this way? Why did I fail at having a healthy child? Guilt sets in, and then you start to doubt that it will ever happen for you. You feel that this is the road you were meant to travel because of the mistakes you made in your life before. One of the big mistakes that I am struggling with now is feeling that I wasn't faithful enough that God was going to take care of my baby when I was pregnant. And I feel that while I pray everyday for God to take control of this area of my life, I feel that maybe God doesn't think that I am faithful enough yet... You know, surrendering takes practice. Some days are easier than others. Some days, you just have to push it off of yourself and force it out onto the feet of your Savior. It's NOT easy. But then again, there aren't many things about this journey that really are these days. But I keep pushing on, keep surrendering and re-surrendering until I feel that peace which God can only give. It is never a one-time event. It's something that I will consistently have to work at, and God knows that. But I can say one thing honestly, I work on it daily. I pray that if you are struggling to conceive, that you pray for faithfulness. Pray for surrendering. Pray for peace along the way. And I hope in turn, you will pray the same for me.

God Bless,
Beth

A Theme Song

My husband really likes the new Nickelback cd that was just released. So of course, as good of a wife as I am, I downloaded it for him and created a cd as well as put the music on my iPod. With that said, last night he was telling me he really likes the song "If Today was Your Last Day." Today on my way to work, I was listening to my iPod and the song came on. Wow. Those lyrics are actually quite powerful, and sends a strong message. I couldn't help but think of our journey to parenthood and how great that song actually fit with the trials that have been placed before us. While this journey seems so long for a baby (at least for us), sometimes I think that I have forgotten to live my life by enjoying the precious blessings God has already given me. First and foremost, my God has saved me from a life of emptiness and despair (obvious right?). Next, he has blessed me with an amazingly supportive and loving husband, whom I would have never made it through the loss if it weren't for him being by my side (sometimes cracking jokes to try to make me smile). He has also blessed me with such wonderful parents and in-laws! I love them dearly and they would give their right hand for me to be happy. There are many other things that I could go on and on about regarding the blessings God has given, but for now, I will leave you with the lyrics to the enlightening song, "If Today was Your Last Day."

My best friend gave me the best advice. He said each day's a gift and not a given right. Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind. And try to take the path less traveled by. That first step you take is the longest stride.
If today was your last day, and tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past, donate every dime you have? If today was your last day.
Against the grain should be a way of life. What's worth the prize is always worth the fight. Every second counts 'cause there's no second try, so live like you'll never live it twice. Don't take the free ride in your own life.
If today was your last day, and tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past, donate every dime you have? Would you call old friends you never see? Reminisce of memories? Would you forgive your enemies? Would you find that one you're dreamin' of? Swear up and down to God above that you finally fall in love. If today was your last day.
If today was your last day, would you make your mark by mending a broken heart? You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars. Regardless of who you are, so do whatever it takes 'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life. Let nothin' stand in your way 'Cause the hands of time are never on your side.
If today was your last day, and tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past, donate every dime you have? Would you call old friends you never see? Reminisce of memories? Would you forgive your enemies? Would you find that one you're dreamin' of? Swear up and down to God above that you finally fall in love. If today was your last day.

Our Story

So I supposed the first posting we enter should be our story to explain why we are journaling our journey to parenthood. Here it is:

Justin and I got married on October 13, 2007 and knew we didn't want to wait long for children. We both loved children and knew we wanted to be parents while we were young to enjoy them and be able to play with them. So it wasn't a surprise that a few months into our marriage, we had stopped preventing pregnancy. After several months went by with no results, a friend suggested that we try an ovulation kit. We did and had no success again. Finally, the holidays were upon us. We had decided that we would take a break from trying to conceive and joined a gym. Well, there we were, three weeks later and I had fallen on the ice (which was unusual). I wasn't feeling well either. I went to the doctor and low-and-behold, I tested positive for pregnancy! We were elated about the news.

And so began our journey into parenthood. At least we thought. Not much time had passed and we went to the doctor on January 12th expecting to see a heartbeat, only there wasn't one. The next three weeks after that consisted of blood tests every other day and in between those days, ultrasounds. Finally, after the third week, the doctor had to share the bad news that we were going to lose this baby.

Much love and support were given the next week as I had to undergo a DNC. My body was not taking the course of a natural miscarriage. There was much grieving that took place after that January 23rd. I had journaled to our baby-to-be letters of our experience through the pregnancy thus far, and had to delete those files because it was so heart-breaking to look at it everyday.

We were positive through the next few months that we would get our chance again at a family, but with no success. Now, 7 months after the miscarriage, we are in hopes of still getting our wish.

I hope that this story touches everyone's heart that has lost a child. I hope that you find hope in our postings to come. I hope that you find faith in the words of someone who gets it and understands.

I also hope for every parent out there, that you realize exactly how precious your child is. I hope that you cherish every moment with that little one, whether it was planned or unplanned. And know, I pray that you will never have to experience the loss of a child.

Love and Prayers,
Beth

Awaiting Our Angel

Hello All! I have decided to start this blog in order to write about our journey to parenthood. I think it will be a great way for our loved ones to stay connected to our walk, and who knows, hopefully it will offer love and encouragement to those who may be struggling with the same trials that we are facing. Our love and prayers go out to you all!

Love,
Beth